CW/TW
I’m sitting here in the break room at Best Buy. I’m drinking coffee, and I’m writing this post.
By all rights, I should be on a plane this morning. I should be on a plane to Chicago to watch a dear friend get married on Sunday.
I’ve never been to Chicago. I’ve never seen Wrigley Field. I’ve never seen Lake Michigan (or any of the Great Lakes.) I’ve been looking forward to this wedding for two years!
To say I’m heartbroken that I couldn’t make the logistics of this trip happen is a massive understatement. When I told my friend I couldn’t make the logistics happen, he was understanding and empathetic. He’s a good man and he’s my brother.
One could argue that I’ve felt trapped by my life circumstances for the better part of three years. Living, transportation, and employment — I have been trapped. I’m sad, depressed, angry, and losing hope by the day.
When I got my Covid vaccine, I thought this would open up my social life. I miss my people more than I miss pretty much anything.
Yet day by day by day, I see the same people at Best Buy. I love them all, and I even like a few of them.
But I feel afraid to truly be myself here. I feel afraid to let Ryan the Author and Ryan the Coach and Ryan the Podcaster truly shine.
This outlook on my life has gotten me feeling incredibly disheartened and depressed.
And in my life, I have had moments where I simply didn’t want to live anymore. And many of those moments have happened in the past three years.
One of those moments happened this morning. “What’s the point?”
Waking up, and feeling the gravitational pull of the world keeping me in bed, and crying twice before I even stumbled out of bed.
I turned on the shower, and I sat down. Letting the hot water cascade over my body, washing the tears down my face.
And I gave my inner child a pep talk. I won’t go into what I told him, but suffice to say I think he heard me.
While I’m disappointed and heartbroken to not be in Chicago this weekend, I know there’s something else waiting for my life.
The pages of “Hello Again” are my soul, splayed open for all to see. And I believe in it more than I’ve believed in anything I’ve ever written.
I’m planning on re-launching my vision as a coach around the time of “Hello Again”’s release. Working with what I do best, supporting people to find their voice to tell their story.
Just because my life doesn’t look how I want it to look now, means not that it will never look the way I want it to.
I share all this because today is a special day. Today is National Suicide Prevention Day. Men are ⅔ more likely to commit suicide than women. Men are also significantly less likely to share and speak about what’s bothering them.
It’s like a meme I read one time — I’d rather spend however long it takes to listen to the shit you’re going through than spend 20 minutes listening to your eulogy.
I’m open and vulnerable with myself and with you guys. I’ve spent a lot of time and money over the years on personal transformation. I’ve worked my ass off over the years, and I’ve come a long way.
And I also have a ton of support!
I’ve been accused of being narcissistic and pompous with posts like this. This person is blocked from my social media now, but it still gets to you.
I share vulnerably like this because I don’t want people to make the mistakes I’ve made. Our lives are more important than this.
We’ll have people who miss us. Who will cry at your funeral.
People care!
Like me. If you ever find yourself in a dark place, my DMs are open. Reach out.
And if you need it, the Suicide Prevention Hotline is 800–273–8255. They can help!
They’ve helped me several times.
Take care of yourselves. Look after each other. Love each other.
Let’s be our brother’s keeper.
