I sat down several minutes ago to write this piece, and I’m getting very angry that I’m overthinking what I want to write. I’m angry that I can’t figure out how to say what I want to say.
Truth is, I’ve been actively avoiding writing. I’ve been actively avoiding social media. I’ve been avoiding making my voice heard.
You turn on the news, and there’s nothing but tragedy. Heartbreakingly low vaccine numbers, criminally high covid infection and fatality rates, and Afghanistan is on fire. And that’s just in the A block.
And turning to my personal life. I’m in a job that makes me cringe and doesn’t pay me nearly enough, I’m active on match.com again, however my responses seem very thin (and I can’t help but take that personally), and I can’t even get a “we thank you for your application but we’re choosing to look elsewhere” email from my job applications. I estimate I’ve sent in 25 applications in the past 2 weeks, one reply!
Let’s face facts — I’m angry! I’m angry at the world. I’m angry at the news. I’m angry at covid. I’m angry at the fact that people still aren’t getting vaccinated. I’m angry at how this Afghanistan situation was handled. I’m angry that my response rate on match is so miniscule. I’m angry that I’m running my ass off, and I can’t lose weight. I’m angry at my therapist, because…well, reasons.
But most of all, I’m fucking pissed at myself! I feel like I’m never going to have the life I want to have, and it’s pissing me off. And I’m using this to hate myself more on a level unseen before in my life.
Look, anger is healthy. Despite how I was raised, anger is healthy and a real emotion.
What’s unhealthy is what I’ve been doing to myself. I’ve been using my anger and frustration to turn inward and attack myself.
I remember this thing I used to do when I worked with Vantage Sourcing. When I would get a particularly frustrating phone call, I’d start thumping my head on my desk. Some of my coworkers thought it funny, but I didn’t.
I did that to keep from throwing my chair through a window.
I look at my job prospects right now and I’m very frustrated. But I know that the right one will come along and it will be beautiful. And it will be sooner than I think.
I look at my romantic prospects and I’m very frustrated. But I know that I can’t rush magic. The right one will come along, and it will be beautiful.
I look at my weight loss goals and I’m very frustrated. But I know that as long as I’m eating better, and running like I do, the weight will come off.
I look at my bank account and I’m beyond frustrated. But I know that as long as I keep my nose to the grindstone, and keep pushing to get a better job, so I can start to save and invest, things will be better.
Yes, I’m frustrated and angry. But this is no reason at all to attack myself.
Anger is good.
Anger is healthy.
Anger can propel you into creating amazing art.
But anger should never be used to attack yourself and sabotage your progress
Now I think it’s time to go hug my inner child…
