This past week, I had one of the most mind-blowing and heart-opening breakthroughs of my life. And it all started with this picture.
It’s an understatement to say that I have resisted doing inner child work in my therapy and my healing journey. One could say that I have violently rejected it!
The way I saw it, every single screw-up, failed job, failed relationship, or fear-based thought pattern has been his fault. That little bastard has kept me from living the life I terribly to live. In fact, inner child work has been the source of some of the biggest blow-ups I’ve ever had toward my therapist.
Why would I make friends with a vile creature who has ruined my life? What kind of Stockholm Syndrome insanity is that?
I wanted my inner child to suffer.
I wanted my inner child to be punished.
My inner child needed to go into time out.
Y’all, I wanted my inner child dead!
In my twisted mind, I thought that if I could sink my inner child in the Hudson River, I could finally live my life the way I wanted. I wouldn’t have that piece of shit weighing me down.
And I’m being NICE about how much I hated that little twit.
I wanted my inner child dead!
Do with that information what you will.
I mean, why would anyone want to make friends with something that has ruined their life?
Back to that picture…
The other day, my therapist had me find a picture of myself when I was a child and display it prominently. And I chose to make it my profile picture for a week.
A couple of nights after my therapy session, I pulled this picture up on my computer and I decided to give him one more chance. And we had a chat.
I said many of the things that you’re supposed to say to your healing inner child. “I’m sorry. It wasn’t your fault. I love you.” As I was going along, this felt like every other ineffective chat with my inner child.
As my mind started to drift away, it was as if I had a otherworldly tap on the shoulder.
“Look closer…”
So. I did. I’m looking at this picture, my eyes really stood out to me. Like the brown in his eyes was a little browner.
I could feel the tears welling up.
“Wait a minute…I’m looking into my own eyes!”
I’m looking at a picture of myself. And a flood of memories washed over me.
I’m reminded of the very day that picture was taken. I’m reminded of how cold it was in that makeshift studio on the cafeteria stage in Northington Elementary School on the day that picture was taken.
But most of all, I had a flood of awareness hit me. For perhaps the first time in my life, I understood my inner child.
He is me! Just in a smaller body.
I feel like I finally know how to talk to him now.
I’m so sorry for ever doubting him.
I’m so sorry for hating him.
I’m so sorry for wishing he was dead.
While I am the grown man in the present day, little boy Ryan is and will forever be a presence in my life.
And…just be forewarned…we will be conquering the world together.
