Back around 2003 or so, I had to move back in with my Mom and Dad. Job losses really forced my hand. What I thought would be temporary turned out to be some of the most depressing years of my life. Heck, I turned 30 while living with my Mom and Dad.
I had a steady job, but the job was killing my soul.
My soul was leaving my body.
I’ll never forget this one Friday night. My Mom made one of her rare treks outside of her bedroom. Her mental illness was getting worse and worse, but none of us knew why…y’know at the time.
I mean, it’s obvious now but we were blind to it at the time.
Anyway, she walks into the mudroom of the house. The house where she grew up, mind you but not where I grew up.
This Friday night I found myself doing some writing on the computer which was set up in the mudroom.
And Earth, Wind, and Fire had released their “Illumination” album. And while it doesn’t hold a candle to “Gratitude” and “All n All” from their classic period, it’s got some gems.
One of those gems is a song called “To You” which is a duet between the late Maurice White and Brian McKnight. It’s certainly aligned with some of the classic EWF ballads and it’s my favorite track on the record.
I was wearing headphones one night and singing along. And one of the things that many people don’t know about me is that I’ve got a really good singing voice. I want to share that voice with the world, but it is going to take some extra layers of courage, but I want to share it…one day.
Mom walks into the mudroom to get a beer out of the fridge. And she looks at me in a confused manner and asks “Were you singing?”
I said nothing. I believed in my core that if I said anything, she’d made fun of me.
Sharing my singing voice will be a massive breakthrough for me. But that’s another story for another time.
From this point forward, I totally clammed up. I think this was when I was 28 years old. I was a — as a wise man once said — a full growed-up man.
Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t exactly lifting houses off the ground before then, but I REALLY clammed up after this.
One of the longest running jokes in my home growing up was whenever I said something funny or witty, someone would say “oh shut up, Ryan.”
I get NOW that it was meant in jest. But try telling 13 year old Ryan that.
My voice wasn’t important.
My voice was marginalized.
My voice…meant…nothing.
Over the past few days, I’ve taken two big steps in sharing my voice on a bigger and bigger platform. You know, other than my writing and my podcast.
This past Friday afternoon, I was invited to speak and present to an entrepreneurial networking group. This was a virtual group based in Arizona.
I spoke for about 10 minutes about my coaching practice, my podcast, my writing, and my upcoming collaborative book.
I wasn’t smooth. I wasn’t perfect. I was me. And I made a heck of an impact.
And I’m strongly considering joining this group.
But what really got me was something that happened this past Monday night.
I was on a zoom call with many of the authors from “Redefining Masculinity.” (now in paperback) To a man, we’re all powerful, transformed, and vulnerable men.
One of the authors is — simply put — one of the leading figures in the coaching industry. While I have never worked directly with him, I do know him and admire him tremendously.
I asked a question of the group. And before this gentleman answered, he said “I love this question, Ryan….”
That made my ego feel ten feet tall.
Some uncomfortable truths have been coming out lately about my relationship with my Mom. Therapy has a way of doing that.
The story that I have painted is that she stifled me. She stifled my voice.
I know without a doubt that wasn’t her intention, but that’s what it felt like.
So I took some time on Tuesday evening to have an abrupt conversation with her. Pete and I went out to the parking lot and I had it out with her.
And before I could finish, she said this to me.
And yes, I know she’s been dead for 12 years, but I heard this as clear as bell. And it absolutely was her voice.
“Stop! Just stop it! You have no idea how special you are!”
I fell to my knees crying. I felt it!
The next thing I did (after getting my Uber Eats order from the front lobby) was send the gentleman from the zoom call an email to invite him on the podcast.
I’m on the precipice of something crazy powerful here. It’s time to lift some houses off the ground.
